teeth marks.

do you ever feel consumed by a song?

consumed by a setting..

consumed by your surroundings..

consumed by a person..

does it make you weak or brave that

you can so effortlessly be consumed?

can you only tell if you make it out alive?

by how many teeth marks there are on you?

by how satisfying or unsatisfying you were?

does it make a difference if you give in?

 

sometimes I feel like songs access feelings that I never knew were there

tears welcome themselves out of my eyes, onto my cheeks

and I’m asking myself if I am weak or brave.

 

sometimes a setting blocks me out of itself only to be zoned out of

onto a new setting where I have it all figured out

everyone figured out

but it haunts me, and peace mocks me, then it all falls on me

and I’m asking myself if I am weak or brave.

 

sometimes my surroundings grow roots to extend into my heart

metaphorically, but my goodness, I feel them scratching at

my heart with their pointy ends 

and the attention begging gets to me, I shut my eyes

I cover my ears, firmly

but they are making my heart sting horribly

and I’m asking myself if I am weak or brave.

 

sometimes the forces of flesh and the universe combine

and I find myself in the arms of a man that thinks

possibly very little of me

but I kiss him, because I have passion to give

we end up being something so fragile

unlikely to last

 

but the kisses are mending

the touches are electrifying

the tongue in expressive form of letting words be uttered and letting ectstasy be felt

by touching another tongue and I am over here looking at you, look at me

looking at me, looking at you

wanting you to consume me in looks, sexually, verbally

I am over here asking myself if I am weak or brave.

with your few teeth marks on my body, alive, satisfied 

physically

but bleeding, almost dead, and dissatisfied

internally. 

 

only to ask myself again if I am weak or brave in a quiet manner, and I

don’t have an answer.

sincerely, jdm.

Listen to me. Please.

You can’t just kiss me and then leave.

 

Isn’t that how tragedy starts?

Don’t you feel life take a quick pause for

you to brace yourself for disaster?

I feel like I felt it this time with you.

 

Amidst the hugs.

Amidst the kissing.

It left me sighing.

The pit in my stomach grew.

 

I had every expectation meet right up with reality.

I knew what was going to happen, but I still

wanted something else to come out of this.

I knew this would happen, but at the same time I didn’t.

 

It’s gonna pain me to have to resort to memory

to see you smile

and see your eyes look into my own.

 

But obligations are obligations right?

That’s what you say.

It was going to play out like this anyways.

 

Still..

Don’t kiss me and go away.

Listen to me please.

Hear my tired voice read this to you.

 

What a journal of tragedies, I’m so sorry.

But this is your entry.

 

I wish I picked up on moments of happiness

more than I do moments of sadness.

I let sadness linger.

I wish I didn’t.

I miss you already.

 

It’s the absence of it all. The absence of

smiles, and laughter replaced with

tears and pain inside your chest that

you can’t quite pinpoint.

But my goodness, it is so present.

 

God, I have You.

I have faith.

I have an urge to love so much and not feel remorse

for caring so highly and prefering others over myself.

Because I have You so I have everything in a world

that has nothing.

 

God, why does my tongue feel so itchy for things I held

back in my throat and are crawling up begging for out?

Why do these thoughts collect like dust and leave my head

so heavy even wearing down my heart?

Why do my fingers reach out when all I want is to carress their mind?

Why does my body do this to me?

 

I want to make it easier for myself but somewhere along the process

I find myself in utter clutter around me.

I later find comfort in dragging another individual in hoping they would

help me gather myself, but I end up writing about what I feel when our

eyes make contact and how every cell in me gives in to my body’s

desire for pleasure in having a taste of words because having it travel into

my ear is somehow not enough.

 

So I tell you this..

your eyes drive me crazy. I feel my eyes tell your eyes things that my lips

would be unable to construct into sentences. I hope this

makes sense to you. The difficulty is surfacing.

When it comes down to me being weak to my own body, it’s because

I do. I lose myself in myself. I lose myself twice in you. It’s like floating on water that has over 100 feet

of nothingness below. I feel you dig into me without you touching me.

I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I feel your fingertips around the

back of my neck but inside of myself you’re taking me out of this atmosphere

and placing me into your own. I feel infinite pressure and infinite freedom.

Your lips on mine are a conquest to high temperatures that leaves you thirsting

for more. I can’t push these feelings off.

 

This time, this tragedy tasted like cigarettes and felt much like a film which I did not

want to stop. I even heard the music start to play with scenes with you and I.

 

But what does the world do to me?

It presses stop, it shakes its head at me then rewinds to the point of where I am still just

an individual learning from the “last time” promising

myself I won’t let myself get into situations like that.

It tells me this is where I ought to be.

 

But wrong follows me and I follow it, no matter the circumstance, into a luring forest

where dawn leaves a cool breeze in the air and that is the

only time I really feel. I feel physically, mentally, emotionally; everything.

And I want to feel as much as possible. I want to feel a feel like this forever.

 

Please. Listen to me.

This feels uneasy, at least I think (what would I know?)

because I sense your body drifting away back to where you belong

but my heart is breaking with added distance. Place me back to

the start where I am on my own. Do it for me, and place a gate

taller than I am able to climb and never let me do this to myself again.

And stop playing our music because you are tearing me to pieces.

sincerely, jdm.

“Or is it just me?”

there’s you and there’s me

and in the middle are the strings

that were always there 

one by one coming out of your left side

and my right side

 

we didn’t know until we stood by each other

that they would gravitate towards one another

and tie a little knot

first our feet

then our knees

and sections further and further up

 

the story is that we’re both really broken people

put together, fallen apart, put together and fallen apart

but we made do with our strings 

we made the conclusion that since the knot and then the

tension by being pulled close by them

therefore, the kiss

to suppress it

but it rose, and we tried to weigh it down

by putting each other’s body weight on top of one another

by turn until we were both bare in our skin

and our skin majestically radiated infinite colors

overwhelming the simple human eye

and so we let it..

 

we were left in our fear with no eye sight but the sight of

dots of color in pitch black darkness that our eyes manipulated

us to see. and we heard sounds that weren’t there. and we saw

things our mind created. we whispered for it to settle down. we

ignored the solution of finding comfort in holding each other near

because fear had such a tight grip. holding us down. and time had us

in a choke hold waiting for our eyes to finally roll over as we were still.

my mind left the stage of suffering and made a dash for the stage of

nostalgia, to remember the comfort I felt finding comfort in relevance

amongst things you found comfort in relating to. the film we watched.

watching you watch the film like if it were the first time. a luminescence

covered you over like a heavy blanket and your warmness was injected 

into me by simply looking at you. I wanted to understand you, so I grew

an obsession with looking for symbolization, looking for explanations,

anything to open my brain to realization of who you are and feel closer

to your wounds that you believe are still open. and in the mix your

wounds become my own, and I feel like I am living it all vicariously

through you. A mistake on replay, although I never learn. This time

too deep. How did I find comfort in the beginning? Why do I leave my mind 

far behind me? What do I even work with here? If my mind is far behind me

and I’m walking in the woods alone, then what is guiding me here? Have I

done this before and am I just following the path I already knew? I don’t ever want

to look into a mirror and see me holding you and feeling your heartbeat like

you feel your own heart beat. I don’t ever want to know the exact times you’ll inhale

and exhale. I just want to count on it to happen, but as for my own breathing…

have I completely forgotten it’s significance? Why does it feel like I’m falling

into the sky and a dark hole at the same time? 

Does this happen to you? Please tell me it does.

If I find relevance in you, in something you find relatable, I will be able to breathe again.

But I’m begging you not to, I’m urgently in need of a stop to this cycle.

Please do…

Please don’t…

…tell me this happens to you too.

Or is it just me?

 

sincerely, jdm.

the appealing and the frightening

you know how they say things that happen 

are supposed to happen?

the notion of predetermined destinies is

pretty appealing but frightening as well 

because that means some body knew I was destined

to be this messed up and did not consider giving me

a fair warning to plan ahead

..to be prepared..

 

so I’m left to fend for myself;

I tell you this with utter sincerity,

my heart feels like a huge flower where roots keep flourishing out

but the petals keep falling

and falling..

and falling continuously..

i’m always left to mourn

 

the appealing part of this is that,

yes I’m losing my head and sanity is rolling right

off my body as the tears strolling for a ride

to be absorbed by the pillows I lay my head on;

however, if anything has felt so comforting in terms of

things that were destined to happen, it is the massive

meaning and importance that you so firmly hold to me

 

I have no shame in vocally making it known that I prefer you over me

because this was all meant to be

these feelings, these emotions

you make everything make sense

and without you I feel so irrational and insane

I’m trying to help myself be put together once again but you left

a crater in me like a meteorite would to earth

 

so I wonder why I’m asked why I’m willingly allowing myself

to be driven down this road of madness when it is

perfectly logical for this to occur once another

flesh becomes more important than your own

 

and you, my love, I’ve had the weight of your bare body on

me before and at every blink that my eyes do, I am placed

right back into those moments

and I never complained until you removed yourself

but when you remove yourself in the visions I have whilst

I am blinking

the second that you do

and I open my eyes it is like pulling twice the number of

stubborn band-aids from my sensitive skin

and I’m always left aching

to fend for myself..

to mourn..

over my petals on the ground

and my pained skin

sincerely, jdm.

rip me.

it begins with me asking, if you’ve looked

and if you’ve found

someone that makes every inch of your skin want to 

shatter into thousands of pieces by the

simple rise of ecstatically energized endorphins

by just kissing you

or is it not even comparable?

 

because I know the places on your neck

the places on your shoulders

the places on your back

that trigger those motions

and those emotions

 

the ones that urge you to pull me near

and rip me to shreds the only way

you know how without injuring me

physically

but you leave my heart aching

once it’s time for us to turn our backs to each other

 

and no one knows

 

i like it when you caress the spine lining of my back

i like it when you look at me with your colored eyes

because it gets engraved so deep into my brain

and the image of them is so clear everytime

i close my eyes to imagine them

that my eyes begin to collect water

and my cheeks take it all south

and then i hear my heart beating in my ears

 

rapidly, a ringing and white noise takeover

but seconds before that your voice

travels in with chords that sum up

to the sound of my name

and i taste your tongue spelling it out

for my heart to consume shamelessly

 

it rips me to shreds again

only from the inside then out

so putting myself together with

my back turned to you is difficult

but my lungs are always contracting and expanding

and the stars glisten in various ways to remind me

that you’ll turn your cheek in my direction and your

feet will be walking my way

and mine towards you

 

soon.

 

who does that for you?

only i do.

 

sincerely, jdm

You are the epitome 

the reason I sit so patient

with my chin up 

waiting for you to sweep in

with your nectar flavored words

and tuck them in right inside my mouth

as I assist the process by pulling my bottom lip

down for you.

 

Mediocre words but I paint them, renew them, kiss them,

pour them some tea, feed them, and watch them flourish

into something so captivating

And I cling them to me as if I had room for

a collection to hang by clothespins

However, I don’t and my mind is

quickly running away from me.

Do you mind, a second?

 

I’m back but pardon the sweat my forehead

has produced

they keep telling you to make me your muse

you’d have a handkerchief in your back

pocket to clean this up, if that was the case

or two

and you’d clean it up without hesitation

 

But for now let me stop pretending

..my mind is running away from me

again

I have to go catch up with it

pardon me again, and pardon

my loose lips too but they’ve got blood

from biting on them for far too long and I have

to tell you to stop because everything

about you is eroding me into tiny

grains of sand

then pulling a tide over me and your

words are an anchor,

they are making me sink.

 

Do you mind a second? I’ll be back.

I have my mind to catch and I’m afraid

that one day my legs are going to give me up

and I won’t be able to catch it.

sincerely, jdm.

9:58 pm; thoughts that the morning hours have too.

You’re so good to me.

i’m so bad to myself.

i don’t learn but I need to;

You ought to lift your voice, and point your finger 

at me in anger. Tell me to stop repeatedly. Til i learn.

i think there’s hurt so deep in my heart, that it’s hard to scrape off

like tough residue.

Then with my mind, there’s times where I fall so deep in it I feel like the sky

is pulling away from me and the stars follow then all I feel is the absence of gravity

compacting me in a small area where the roots of you hug my hips, my waist, my neck,

and deprive me of sanity while providing me a network of colors from the universe

and comets passing me by.

so i don’t complain, I just attempt to reach out and touch the pinks, the faded reds, the shimmering

blues, the glistening greens that remind me of you, and it liquifyes all of me into the simplest solution

until i’m poured into you.

your roots soak me up so quickly, but not because you thirsted for me or anything for that matter..

you care for your growth and will do anything to not have me around you,

but still…

i am stuck in the idea of pools of green from your eyes

and your smile

and your blonde hair

your facial hair

your gentle touch 

feeling my heart beat

and since those ideas put together make time stand still for me,

i’m willing to live stuck until i learn to pull myself out of this one.