You can’t just kiss me and then leave.
Isn’t that how tragedy starts?
Don’t you feel life take a quick pause for
you to brace yourself for disaster?
I feel like I felt it this time with you.
Amidst the hugs.
Amidst the kissing.
It left me sighing.
The pit in my stomach grew.
I had every expectation meet right up with reality.
I knew what was going to happen, but I still
wanted something else to come out of this.
I knew this would happen, but at the same time I didn’t.
It’s gonna pain me to have to resort to memory
to see you smile
and see your eyes look into my own.
But obligations are obligations right?
That’s what you say.
It was going to play out like this anyways.
Don’t kiss me and go away.
Listen to me please.
Hear my tired voice read this to you.
What a journal of tragedies, I’m so sorry.
But this is your entry.
I wish I picked up on moments of happiness
more than I do moments of sadness.
I let sadness linger.
I wish I didn’t.
I miss you already.
It’s the absence of it all. The absence of
smiles, and laughter replaced with
tears and pain inside your chest that
you can’t quite pinpoint.
But my goodness, it is so present.
God, I have You.
I have faith.
I have an urge to love so much and not feel remorse
for caring so highly and prefering others over myself.
Because I have You so I have everything in a world
that has nothing.
God, why does my tongue feel so itchy for things I held
back in my throat and are crawling up begging for out?
Why do these thoughts collect like dust and leave my head
so heavy even wearing down my heart?
Why do my fingers reach out when all I want is to carress their mind?
Why does my body do this to me?
I want to make it easier for myself but somewhere along the process
I find myself in utter clutter around me.
I later find comfort in dragging another individual in hoping they would
help me gather myself, but I end up writing about what I feel when our
eyes make contact and how every cell in me gives in to my body’s
desire for pleasure in having a taste of words because having it travel into
my ear is somehow not enough.
So I tell you this..
your eyes drive me crazy. I feel my eyes tell your eyes things that my lips
would be unable to construct into sentences. I hope this
makes sense to you. The difficulty is surfacing.
When it comes down to me being weak to my own body, it’s because
I do. I lose myself in myself. I lose myself twice in you. It’s like floating on water that has over 100 feet
of nothingness below. I feel you dig into me without you touching me.
I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I feel your fingertips around the
back of my neck but inside of myself you’re taking me out of this atmosphere
and placing me into your own. I feel infinite pressure and infinite freedom.
Your lips on mine are a conquest to high temperatures that leaves you thirsting
for more. I can’t push these feelings off.
This time, this tragedy tasted like cigarettes and felt much like a film which I did not
want to stop. I even heard the music start to play with scenes with you and I.
But what does the world do to me?
It presses stop, it shakes its head at me then rewinds to the point of where I am still just
an individual learning from the “last time” promising
myself I won’t let myself get into situations like that.
It tells me this is where I ought to be.
But wrong follows me and I follow it, no matter the circumstance, into a luring forest
where dawn leaves a cool breeze in the air and that is the
only time I really feel. I feel physically, mentally, emotionally; everything.
And I want to feel as much as possible. I want to feel a feel like this forever.
Please. Listen to me.
This feels uneasy, at least I think (what would I know?)
because I sense your body drifting away back to where you belong
but my heart is breaking with added distance. Place me back to
the start where I am on my own. Do it for me, and place a gate
taller than I am able to climb and never let me do this to myself again.
And stop playing our music because you are tearing me to pieces.